Bum Reviews: Elfen Lied
by classicdisney4thewin
Summary: Chester A. Bum reviews the popular and disturbing yet beloved classic anime Elfen Lied


And now its time for Bum Reviews with Chester A. Bum

Tonight's Review: Elfen Lied

"OOOH MY GOD THIS IS THE GREATEST MOVIE I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE! Wait this isn't a movie, its an anime series...THIS IS THE GREATEST ANIME SERIES I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE"

Chester wears a headband with fake horns and waves his arms around pretending there vectors.

"Spoooooiiiiilers!"

"Theres these people with pink hair and cat ears called diclonious! Only the cat ears are actually supposed to be horns. Well they look like cat ears to me! I thought they were supposed to be a secret race of human cat people! I think I'm starting to see the inspiration for Cats the musical. So the diclonious hate humans and they want to kill them all by chopping them into sushi bits by using these invisible arms called vectors! Why are they called that?! Why not call them invisible machetes I mean they can cut through objects right?! So the movie starts with a naked diclonious girl named Lucy escaping this facility in the middle of the ocean and the guards are trying to stop her from leaving! And there all like!"

Chester pretends to hold a machine gun and shoot down Lucy off-screen.

"If only the director gave you some clothes to wear we could probably aim these better"

"And Lucy's all like!"

"How dare you stare at my tits, DIE!"

"So then this guy shoots her horn off and causes her entire personality to split! My personality split once! Never inject yourself with marijuana. So she washes up on shore and is found by these two cousins! And there like!"

"What's your name?"  
"Nyu!"

"Where did you come from?"

"Nyu!"

"Why are you not wearing any clothes?"

"Nyu!"

"Naw I'm sure she's fine if she lives with us! True she has unusual hair and eye color, is totally nude, has cat ears growing out of her head, can only say the word Nyu which probably means she's either from an insane asylum or has a mental disability, but that's no reason to call the police right?!"

"So they kidnap Nyu and the boy Kouta reveals a tragic backstory"

"This shell was the last memory of my little sister who died of a insert horrible disease and its my most valuable item I have to-"

Chester pretends to break the shell.  
"I broke it"

He picks up a broom and charges after Nyu off screen"

"GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!"

"AHHH!"

"So then Nyu runs away to the beach in the rain, and finds a new shell for Kouta! But the evil people from the facility come to take her away!"

Chester pretends to point a gun at Nyu

"I'm the obvious dumbass who thinks I'm so cool because I wear shades at night and have this huge gun!"

"AHHH!"

"So then Kouta comes to rescue Nyu! And he's like!"

"I'm sorry I acted like a dick back there, let's go home!"

"Not so fast I have the right to kill civilians because it makes me look cool! Plus I like to say shit and fuck a lot!"

"But what if I have some really important information about this girl, like how she's really-"

"Yahhhh!"  
"Ahhhh!"

"So then the big bad soldier named Bando takes Nyu away and tries to kill her! But then she gets hit in the head and turns back into Lucy!"

"My shades my shades! I lost my shades! How will I ever be able to see the dark without them?!"  
"Oh hear let me help you with that"

"AHHHH YOU STABBED MY EYES!"

He raises a thumbs up.

"Thanks!"

"And then she turns back into Nyu by looking at the shell"

Covering his eyes and running around.

"Ahh! Fossilized ocean rock! It burns!"

"So she and Kouta go back home, and Nyu needs help changing into her clothes. So Kouta has to do it for her! That doesn't sound uncomfortable at all!"

"I sure hope my sexually confused cousin doesn't walk in right about"

"What's going on?!"  
"And the awkwardness begins"

He twirls around pretending to be Nyu.

"I like touching my boobs!"

"Did you know that everytime someone jacks off to Nyu touching her boobs during this entire series 5 dollars are donated to my local soup kitchen? How do I know this?! Because I started the fundraiser! Don't ask why I owe them a lot of money. And so then were introduced to another diclonious at the facility named Nana who thinks her dad is the director Chief Kurama! But jesus Christ this guy is as emotionless as Kristen Stewart I'm not kidding"

"Papa I'm lonely"

The bum looks down and keeps a dull, serious face.

"Papa I'm afraid to fight Lucy. Won't you give me your loving fatherly wisdom to help me fight her?"

Chester continues to make the face.

"Papa Lucy just ripped all of my limbs off and I'm still alive for some weird reason"

"I'll just tell you to be still place my hand on your forehead for a brief moment and inject you with this fluid that everyone thinks is going to put you to sleep but really keeps you alive because if you weren't given more than 20 minutes of screen time we would have lost half of our audience by now"

"Ok then"

"So after Lucy fights Nana, Kouta goes looking for her at a hospital"

"Please be Nyu, please be Nyu, please be Nyu, please be Nyu, please be- Ahh! Its just some homeless 14 year old girl whos been molested by her father abused by her mother and was nice enough to return our umbrella and save that douchebag with the giant gun's life"

"You know I just heard all that"

"Oh"

"Your kind of a di-"

"Want to come over for dinner?"

"Sure thanks!"

"And bathe with an 18 year old girl that will have every guy in the world who's watching this jacking off?"

"…"

"We're having fish!"  
The Bum runs off screen.

"FOOOOOD!"

"So then about two days later, the two cousins and Nyu go to school! And she gets abducted by this creepy pedophile teacher whos also a diclonious! As Shamalan would say, What a twist! So the teacher wants to repopulate with Nyu so they could bring on a whole new generation of diclonious! But Lucy wakes up and does the most logical thing! CHOP HIS FREAKIN HEAD OFF! I chopped a head off once! Not all chickens run around afterwards. So then Kouta goes looking for Nyu again and this time takes his cousin Yuka! It started to rain so they took shelter and what do they end up doing?! MAKING OUT!

"Kiss me!"

"But you call me a jerk, physically abuse me, and have the most whiny, annoying voice ever heard in an anime, and that's saying a lot"

"But if we don't kiss people won't want to ship you and Lucy as much"

"Well alright then"

"Oh my god how crazy is this show?! You got nude girls 24-7, decapitation, fathers molesting daughters, creepy pedo bear teachers, and semi-incest! In fact I think this should be the show's new description. So Nana meets the homeless bound girl later at night. And she's like!"

"My father gave me 500 trillion dollars and I don't even know what money is or how to use it"

"You have a terrible father"

"But he did give me new limbs"

"And now we can sell plushies of you at anime conventions"

"True dat sista!"

"But then Nana meets Nyu and attacks her"

The Bum pretends to be Kouta and slaps Nana.

"Ow why'd you hit me?!"

"So your character seems more innocent and harmless and therefore we can sell more plushies of you at anime conventions"

"I'm so marketable!"  
"So Nana and Mayu are officially a part of the family…oh yeah and Yuka. Geez this guy is so accepting!"

"I've been sexually and physically abused by my parents and I have a puppy"

"You can come live with us"

"Hurray!"

"I've lived in a facility all my life and have been tortured countless times, plus my dad has less facial expressions than Slenderman"

"You can come live with us"

"Hurray!"

"…Nyu!"

"You can come live with us"

"Hurray!"

"I'm your whiny obsessive cousin and I haven't seen you for years"

"Ehhh I'll think about it-"

"Well to bad I'm moving in so we can have our semi-incest make out scene"

"Aw come on!"

"So then we find out, big surprise, THE CHIEF WAS LYING AGAIN! He didn't actually kill his real daughter, Mariko, who happens to be a new generation diclonious. Why are you lying to everyone dude?! You're a bigger fib than Santa Clause! I watched the Critic's recent editorial. So then they order the Chief's daughter to kill Nana so she can stop her plushie and collectible sales!"

"So what's the point of killing this girl?"  
"We don't have a very good explanation considering the fact she hasn't killed anyone before, we just want another nail biting suspense scene from her"

"So where's my dad?"

"I don't know, out fishing"

"Wow he's a terrible father"

"So then Mariko attacks Nana, WHO FREAKIN LIVES RIGHT AFTERWARDS! SERIOUSLY SHE CAN'T DIE! IS SHE JESUS CHRIST OR SOMETHING?! She's like a female Aslan the Lion from Narnia I mean she just can't die! After that Lucy comes back, and Kouta remembers that when he was just a wee little boy he watched Lucy kill his little sister and father. I get this guy went through therapy, but seriously how could he not recognize Lucy so quickly?! He must be on meth because whenever I'm on that stuff I can't recognize anything, not even my own hand! So then after that Mariko and the Chief finally meet later at night! And they're like!"

"Why didn't you just kill me?"  
"Because you were my daughter"

"But I was in hell for the past 5 or so years so why didn't you kill me?"

"Because you were my daughter"

"But they blew my arm off, that all could have been avoided if you just had killed me!"

"Because you were my daughter"

"Your just gonna keep saying that until you pick me up, take me to the bridge and explode with the bomb that's somehow inside me"

"Because you were my daughter"

Chester begins to walk off screen.

"Alright let's get this over with!"

"So after that Lucy and Kouta kiss, and she sacrifices her life to the humans. THE END! So yeah Elfen Lied was a really good-"

A note his handed to Chester. He picks it up and scans it.

"That's how they ended it?! Really?! Ok so apparently I forgot to mention that they ended the first season with someone standing at the front gate who appears to be about Lucy slash Nyu's age…WHY DID THEY END IT LIKE THAT WHEN THEY WEREN'T GOING TO CONTINUE IT! It said at the end to be continued but they never did! Come on we all want to see more blood and R rated nudity! And don't forget the semi-insest and awkward molestation. This is Chester A. Bum saying, CHANGE YOU GOT CHANGE! AW COME ONE! YOU SURE YOU DON'T WANT TO DONATE TO MY SOUP KITCHEN?! ONLY 5 BUCKS EVERYTIME YOU GET OFF TO NYU, AND AN EXTRA TEN BUCKS FOR A NANA PLUSHIE!" 


End file.
